You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Acid is not a monday night drug
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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