I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
