You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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