I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
