i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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