I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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