um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
