There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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