A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
