im having a threesome with these popsicles
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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