i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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