If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
