what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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