What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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