I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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