Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize