at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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