I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
