I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A+ Viking dick
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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