Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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