Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
