this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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