now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
