i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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