Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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