I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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