I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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