Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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