if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Randomize
