I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
