Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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