Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
