My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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