btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
