I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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