Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
