having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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