??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
