Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
