you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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