I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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