someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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