True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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