I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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