weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She announced her abortion via fbk
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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