Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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