Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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