I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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