Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
