Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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