You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
