I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When are your genitals available?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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