does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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