My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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